How the Instagram Account, @notengaged, Shows Up for Its Online Community

A little more than a year ago, I told myself I would only follow Instagram accounts that were educational, inspiring, and aesthetically pleasing. Yet one of my favorite accounts to follow is @notengaged, which is basically a spoof on your typical engagement announcement. From a beautiful location like Santorini to the empty couch in her apartment, Mary McCarthy photographs her unwed left hand to share one message: relationship status shouldn’t matter.

Since Mary’s first post in 2016, @notengaged has seen a transformation of sorts. Initially, Mary agrees that the account was very satirical and slightly bemoaning of her singledom, [with much of the content surrounding the number of weddings she attended alone.] But four years and 162,000 followers later, Mary is a bit more intentional about the kind of message she’s sending.

“Now, it’s more tongue-in-cheek in a positive and empowering way,” shares Mary.

While she credits much of this to the audience who steered the account in that direction, it’s no secret that Mary has some particular feelings about the topic.

“My issue is with so much media that’s out there whether it’s TV, social media posts, whatever media you consume, single women are always portrayed as self-deprecating,” says Mary.

She goes on to list the typical tropes seen in the media: “Winos, the sister who never got married who’s kind of off or the fun aunt who has a disastrous dating life. You never see the empowered traveler who’s good with her money, but is also nice. Instead, you see the career driven woman who’s cold. And it’s like, no she’s just fine, she’s a normal person.”

That distinction between empowering and self-deprecating is really what Mary is aiming for. And it helps that her community of followers is receptive to the “content” she puts out. From debated topics like navigating the holidays, spending Valentine’s Day alone and traveling solo, to entertainment inquiries like book and recipe recommendations (and even “Love is Blind” commentary), many women have found a friend in her.

“A lot of people comment things like, ‘you’re like my online best friend!’ And my best friend sees that and says, ‘no I am!’ It makes me happy that there’s this resource that other women can go to,” says Mary. “I hope it’s the character that resonates with people and is striking a chord and making people realize that it’s totally fine to be wherever you are in your life.”

Speaking of character, some people forget that that’s what it is. As an actor and writer, Mary developed a voice behind the account because it allows her to speak more generally about situations and ultimately, make more jokes. While she says that parts of her are reflected in it, other parts are more zany.

“I’ve done character classes and character study, so once I came up with this one it kept falling out of me. She loves tacos, hates Dan.”

She also refers to her followers as chickpeas. Though the term doesn’t have much of a deeper meaning (other than Mary describing it as her single girl meal), the audience really grabbed onto it. It was either that or starfish.

While Mary does view it as a character, she also understands her role as the creator of a viral account. When the coronavirus was at its peak and most of the country was in a government mandated shelter in place, she debated how to take part in the conversation.

“This is such an insane, chaotic situation that is affecting every single person, so I really struggled with what to do with this account that’s a) very satirical and b) about my adventures as a single woman. I don’t know how much people want to laugh right now and what they want to laugh at,” shares Mary.

After some time, she chose to use her platform for good by creating the chickpea small business support system. It started in her stories where she encouraged followers to list ways to help and it eventually turned into a formalized spreadsheet — something Mary is very good at — where anyone could nominate a small business. She also partnered with cameo where proceeds from personalized video messages were donated to No Kid Hungry.

While the shock factor came from Mary’s decision to show her face in the videos, the real value is in the small business support system. It’s full of people expressing their gratitude not only for putting together the form, but for her social media presence in general.

“My daughter introduced me to your very funny account, and we’ve enjoyed it together. Thanks for a great perspective on life!” writes one contributor. While another included a simple statement: “chickpea power!”

When I think back to the declaration I made to myself about the kind of Instagram accounts I wanted to fill my feed, @notengaged doesn’t initially fall into any of those categories. Mary is the first to admit that her page isn’t aesthetically pleasing by industry standards. (“I usually don’t adjust much, my photography skills are NOT great, and I never use techniques they tell you to do to gain followers,” she confesses.) Instead, she would prefer to show that the mundane, certainly not always picture perfect moments, are some of the more satisfying.

“A quiet night at home? Great. Carrying my groceries home by myself knowing I can do all of this on my own? Snap!” describes Mary.

Knowing that much of social media is a highlight reel of people’s lives, her attention to these moments is the perfect blend of comedic relief and inspirational talk that most women my age probably need, single or not. (Yes, even married women follow her account!) And as I become more intentional about my relationship to social media, specifically in the middle of this pandemic, an account like Mary’s is one of the reasons I’m grateful for the platform.